Last night I watched as my faith in human decency spun wildly out of control.
It’s not like I had a lot to begin with — I’m the kid who grew up reading Holocaust books while play-acting Anne Frank — but yesterday as the sun rose and Election Day began, I had a little bit of faith. I had enough to hope — to hope that we would break the glass ceiling, that we would make the better choice, that we would refuse to validate a racist, sexist asshole any more than we already had.
But last night as I watched the forecast inch from 85% Clinton to 95% Trump, that hope calved and crumbled. Even now as I type this, sleepless at four in the morning, I don’t know what to say.
I’ll be honest with you — I’m angry. I’m mad as hell at this country. I can’t believe that we could be so blind, so arrogant, so hateful that we would elect Donald Trump to run this country. I am angry.
But I am also deeply afraid.
I’m afraid for women. I’m afraid for Muslims. I’m afraid for people of color. And I am sick to my stomach for the LGBTQ community. I have friends who are afraid of losing not just their rights but their lives. Some of them are even suicidal because the reality of the next four years scares them so much they’d rather die.
I am not proud to be an American today. I am not proud to be a Christian, either. Both groups have wounded me. Both groups have terrorized my friends. Both groups have sent a message loud and clear that they care nothing for the hurting, the marginalized, the oppressed, the poor. The very people that Jesus came to love are the ones that 79% of evangelical voters pushed away when they cast their vote for Trump. To be clear, Hillary Clinton is far from perfect, but my god, people, Donald Trump?
It hurts my heart that we came so close to our first woman president only to be slapped down by the supporters of a man endorsed by the KKK, but it hurts my heart even more to know that many of those supporters are men and women claiming to profess God’s love. God’s love is not racist. God’s love is not homophobic. God’s love does not stand on a national stage and call his opponent a nasty woman. You can say all you want about abortion and immigration and morals and states’ rights, but trust me, your candidate has said all that I need to hear.
So please, stop telling me that God is in control. Stop giving me platitudes about “Jesus” and “Lord” and “not of this world.” I don’t need to hear that right now. I might not be of this world, but I am living in this world, and right now this world scares me. So for the next few days (or weeks or months), do not talk about God’s will. Do not quote the Bible at me. Do not do anything your Christian sympathies urge you to do unless it is to reach out and give me, my queer friends, and all the terrified minorities in America one ginormous hug.
God may very well be in control, but God also granted us free will, and we are the ones who elected this candidate. So in that very scary sense, we are the ones in control. And believe me, we messed up.
But that doesn’t mean it’s time to give up. Even with our differences, we are so much stronger together. Hillary gets that. Obama gets that. SNL gets that. And I hope to God that everyone else in America follows suit as we face the days to come.